No Way Back
by ebonywolfspirit-084
Summary: As Caitlin was innocently playing her PS2,she gets sucked into Jak II.And,in the process,has been turned into an Ottsel and has opened a portal between her world and Jak's.and then a few of her friends show up...and things start to get a bit interesting..
1. Not An Ordinary Day

**Okay, I'm redoing this story 'cause I decided to go a different way with this... But, I want to thank all of mah reviewers. THANK YOU FOR REVIWEING! And I hope that you enjoy teh remake of this story. It's not really changin all that much but I'm going to start off in a different place... yeah... -.-;;;; Enjoy!

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_He calls the mansion not a house,  
__but a tomb-_

"Caitlin!" Came my mom's voice. I could hardly hear it through my CD player though. And pressed stop and get up from my bed and walked out into a kitchen. "What mom?" I said as I entered. "Did you remember to feedyour rabbit?" she asked me. I rolled my eyes. "Yes, mom..." I replied. "Okay,then,"she said. "Off you go."

I walked back to my room,walked over to my Ps2, and turned it on. I waited for the game to come on,which happened to be Jak II, when i realized I hadn't turned on my tv. "God, I'm stupid..." I murmured to myself as I clicked the power button on the remote. The tv turned on, but it didn't look normal. It was all purple-ish, black-ish. It was weird. I just thought my eyes were playing tricks on me, that is, until my whole room started to spin and the purple stuff swallowed me whole.

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"Ugh..." I moaned. My head hurt and I felt dizzy. I looked around my surrounding and found that I wasn't in my room anymore. I got up. _Why does everything seem big?_I thought.But then I looked down at my... er... paws...? "What the hell...?" I said under my breath. Then I looked at my hands... my furry hands. Then I notcied where I was and what was happening. I was in Jak II and I was an Ottsel. _Not good..._ I thought. Like hell it wasn't good. And it got even mroe ungood. I noticed something move behind me. I spun around in panic. Nothing. Then I heard a low growl. I turned around again. There stood a Metal Head, inches away from my face. "Shit," I cursed and then ran the opposite direction of the beast. "Shit, shit, shit ,shit..." was all I basically said as more and more Metal Heads started surrounding me. BANG! I had run into a door. A door? A door! Thank God! 

I banged on the door. "Open damn it!" I cursed at the inanimate object. As the Metal Heads closed in on me, the door opened and I ran through it. I crawled out of the ditch in which the door was and looked around. Townsfolk wandering about looking liek they have no lives, men in red armor walking around with guns, zoomer lfying around everywhere. Haven City. _Joy..._ I thought dryly as I walked out into the crowd of people. Some lovely Krimzon Gaurd stepped upon my tail. I was about to curse him off until I realized what the consiquences would be. No, no ,no... we wouldn't want that now would we? No. No, cursing people off, even if they do step on your tail.

I was walking around for about fifteen minutes until I heard someone wolf-whistle behind me. I turned around to see Jak and Daxter. Daxter had a big smile on his face; in finding a little female Ottsel. Daxter jumped down from Jak's shoulder and walked over to me. "Hey, sweet stuff," he said. I rolled my eyes. "what's a Ottsel like yourself doing out so late all alone?" I realized then that it was night time. "Umm..." I inched away from him: as he was uncomfortably close to me. "Personal space, please." I said."Why not come with us?" Daxter said, "I'll, uh, protect ya." "um... thank you...?" I said uneasily. "The name's Daxter by the way, " he continued."and that there is my buddy, Jak." "I'm Caitlin," I said. "So, Caitlin, whatcha say? Comin' with us?" he asked. "Yeah, uh... sure," I replied.

"Well, then we better go," Jak said. Daxter walked back over to Jak, beckoning me to follow. "So, where we goin'?" I panted.

Daxter was sitting on Jak's shoulder and I was walking next to Jak, trying to keep up with his fast run. "Ta blow up ammo at the Fortress," Daxter replied. "Oh. okay..." _Great... I hate this part in the game... oh, well, at least I found Jak and Daxter, _I thought to myself. Jak slowed down to a walk and I was relieved. There stood before us, was the Fortress. And we entered without a sound.

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**Okay... this is really short and not at all funneh... but the chapters shall be longer and it shall get more funneh! And I still hafta rewrite teh second chapter... Ugh... im tired... -.- Well, must get on with teh second chap... _(yawns)_Oh, by the way,that song in teh beginning was "To the End" by My Chemical Romance... just to let you know... bye...**

**-ebony**


	2. Delivery, for Krew

**chapter two... okay... I are trying mah best to make this long. Sorry if the last chap was crappy... _(yawns)_ I'm tired... -.-; haven't been having any good nights sleep since summer vacation started... well, hope you like this chapter. **

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I thought the tank looked a bit scary in the game. But actually seeing it-with all the spikes, guns, etx.-was a little... nerve-racking... As soon as we walked through the large doorway a bit past the tank, it came to life and began shooting at us mercilessy. I gripped Jak's shoulder with one paw, while covering my mouth to keep myself from screaming. Yeah... being chased by a giant tank with a gun, spikes that could run you over and squash you flat... was scary... but, thankfully it didn't take too long to get past the first part.

Jak picked up the security pass from the floor.(was it on the floor? oh, well...) and, when all seemed fine, the tank knocked down the wall. Damn, that thing was desperate to kill us. "Quick!" I yelled over the roar of the machine. "Get behind those ammo things!" Jak ran behind one and the tank shot it down. He ran behind another and the tank shot that one off.

When all of them were destroyed, we ran for teh opening of the wall. Everything seemed to go in slow motion as we jumped out, the expolsion following behind us. I lost my grip on Jak's shoulder and plumeted down to earth. And... then Jak landed right on top of me followed by Daxter. "Jak... get... off... of me..." I winced under his weight. "Oh, sorry," he apoligized, getting off of me. I caught my breath and stood up, cracking my back. "You okay sweet stuff?" Daxter asked me. "Yes, and please call me by my proper name," I said.  
Then we walked-well, I limped-back to the Underground hideout.

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Torn had been kind enough to give me an icepack for my back, as he told Jak and Daxter what the next mission was: 

"One of our "suppliers" needs his shipment brought to him: a bag of eco ore..." Torn said. I didn't pay attention to the rest of what he said;I had spaced out.Daxter's voice reminded me of what was going on: "You comin' sug-Caitlin?" a glare from me reminded Daxter of what I had said before:"Call me by my proper name."  
"Yeah, I guess so, " I replied, yawning. "Then let's head out,"came Jak's voice from behind us. I removed the icepack,thanking Torn, and followed Jak and Daxter.

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"QUICK! GO TO THE LEFT, THE LEFT!" we had nearly hit a wall, zooming towards our destination. Krimzon Gaurds were right on our tail and we didn't need to be hitting any walls. "Are we almost there!" Daxter asked Jak. "Almost!" he replied. "I can see it just ahead of us!"

Once we had neared the Hip Hog Saloon, Jak quickly slowed down the zoomer and jumped out,with me following close behind.  
We walked into the Hip Hog; that's when Daxter said: "Let me handle this Jak. Watch my finesse and style." He jumped down from Jak's shoulder and onto the floor. "Don'y forget to ask about..." Jak started, but was cut off by Daxter.  
"Everythin's cool. Nobody panic. Hey, big guy!" he said, walking under Sig. I watched from my spot next to Jak. This was all too familiar to me, it was almost scary. Then Daxter got a surprise; Krew floated down ,hovering just in front of Sig, Jak, Daxter, and me. "You Krew?" Daxter said, "Well, we shook the heat, and your shipment is in primo condition." "That's good, 'ey" Krew said. "Because a cargo of rare eco ore is worth more than ten of your lives," he hovered closer toJak,"mmmmm and of course, "I'd be forced to collect... ah slowly. Heh, heh... the Underground will take anyone with a pulse these days..." Daxter jumped up on Jak's shoulder. I remained in my spot, which was now next to Sig. "And what do we have here?" Krew continued, looking at Daxter. "The Shadow's mascot of the month?" Then he ran his hand over Daxter's head. I felt sorry for the little Ottsel. "Oooo, soft... Sig, this fur would go well with my silk suits, 'ey?" I saw Sig's expression and almost laughed. Then it was Daxter turn to speak again. "Listen, uh. tons of fun, anyone can see that you, uh,and I have the real juice in this burg. We're both players, right? We're both looking for a piece of the action? I think we can do business, right?"

"Look, we did you a favor," Jak said, "Now it's your turn. Why is the Baron giving eco to Metal Heads?"

"Questions liek that could get a person killed, 'ey!" Krew said, zooming in on Jak again. "Sig, pay 'el Capitan' here and his friend a bonus." Sig walked over to Jak and held out the Scatter Gun. Jak took it and looked it over, getting a mischevious look on his face.

"If you want to see what that baby can do," Krew said, "try the Gun Course outside. Show me some skill with that harware and I might hire you for a job or two, 'ey." Of, course, nobody had noticed me. But I was fine with that as long as Krew hadn't touched me like he did to Daxter. Ick. So, we walked outside to the Gun Course.

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**... and that's all I'm going to do for this chapter... I think I might wait for some reviewers but I don't know yet... hmm... anyway, if you just started reading this story, please review! Tis much appreciated. :)**

**-ebony**


	3. Confusion, Drunks, and a Laptop

**third chapter... im gonna make this a long one... well, as long as I can make it without my fingers starting to hurt... the last two chapters were CRAPPY. but thats only cause i was... feeling like crap... --;; well, i know where im going with the story so hopefully it will get much better(and funnier... i wasn't in a very 'funneh' mood when i wrote the last two chapters... grr...)and i hope you enjoy this chapter:)**

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After we had beat the Gun Course, Krew sent us to protect Sig at the Pumping Station... it didn't go all too well...

Jak had been knocked out by one of the Metal Heads and Daxter was desperatly trying to revive him. "Come on, Jak!" he said leaning over the unconscience body. "Wake up!" And while Daxter was doing that, I had the Scatter Gun and was trying to shoot at the Metal Heads, continually missing. Hey, it's hard to fire a gun when you're onlytwo feet tall.

"Hang in there, chilli pepper!" Sig called over to me. "I'm tryin'!" I called back. The Metal Heads looked huge to me and I had to look up to see where all of them were. And holding on to the Scatter Gun whille firing was pretty tough.

When I had my back turned, a Metal Head charged up from behind me, tossing me into the air and landing uncomfortably on its back. I hung on for dear life as the beast ran around in circle, bucking like a horse as it tried to get me off its back. Sig saw this and yelled over the roar of the savage Metal Head: "You have to let go!"

"Oh, yeah!" I called back to him. "Is that right! Well, my instincts are telling me _not _to let go!" The Metla Head threw itself against and rock, shaking me loose. I fell with a small 'thud' on the ground. Thankfully, Sig had killed all of the remaining beasts.

Jak had finally woken up and was now staggaring towards me and Sig. I held up the Scatter Gun to Jak and he took it. Daxter hopped onto his shoulder, patting him on the head. "Feelin' better, buddy?" he asked his friend. "Yeah. A little bit," Jak replied. "Hey, thanks Caitlin for covering for me while I was out." "No problem," I said. "Now, are all of the Metal heads that we needed to kill dead?" It was Sig who replied: "Yup. Go tell Krew that his trophied will be on the way."

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Krew had sent Jak and Daxter on another mission; I had decided to stay back at the Hip Hog and relax. About fifteen or so minuted later, Jak and the little furry Ottsel returned. "How'd it- whoa!" I had to hold my nose; they smelled like crap. "I think you two should take a shower..." I coughed. 

"Great, we go do your dirty work," Daxter said poiting to Krew," and we come back smelling worse than a wet hip hog in a warm barn. Krew ignored him and turned to me. "Caitlin..." he wheezed, "would you mind going in the back to get that weapons upgrade I promised these two?" I glared at hime for a few moments before jumping off the bar stool I was sitting on and headed in the back.

I opened a door that supposedly led to the back; which looked like a pig stie. Metal Head heads were scattered all around, racing trophies on shelves, boxes full of crap stacked on top of each other. "Great," I murmured to myself. "How am I supposed to find that weapons upgrade in this mess?" I sighed and began my search.

Crap... crap.. Metal Head head... underwear... wait, underwear? That's... nice... after about five minutes of searching, I finally found that damn weapon thingy. I walked out from the back and tosse the Blaster thing to Jak. He took it and attatched it the Scatter gun, turning it into the Blaster Gun. "Go back to the Gun Course and try your skill with that weapon," Krew said and then floated away.

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"Okay, Jak," I said uneasily. "I think we beat it, you can stop shooting now..." we left the Gun Course with little ammo left, then headed back to Krew. He sent us to godrive to the Race Garage. We hit a few Krimzon Gaurds, ran over a few pedestrians, crashed into a few walls, but that was basically it. And we got to our destination with only a few seconds to spare. I decided to hang outside the garage and wait for Jak and Daxter. 

A few minuted later they came back outside with the news that we had towin the JET-board Stadium Challenge. Which, we beat on our first try; I directed Jak on where to go and what to do since I had beaten it many times before in the game. Jak put away the JET-board and we walked back to the mechanic.

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"We beat the Stadium Challenge," Jak annouced as we walked into the garage. 

"Great," came the voice, "People do get lucky. Listen, I don't mean to be rude, but don't you have someone to collect money from, or blow up or something?"

"You don't like us do you?" came Jak's reply.

"You work for that slime ball Krew, what's not to like?" the mechanic said.

I sighed and let the two figure it out, not paying any attention to the last of the conversation.

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We had gone back to the Hip Hog and Daxter was now a drunken rat. 

"Hey, ther five chins," Daxter said, dazed, "How's crimes?"

"What's wrong with him, 'ey?" Krew asked, staring at the Ottsel.

"Nothing," Daxter hiccuped. "Mind your own business."

"Jak, I need you nad the talking rat to make a few collections for me." Krew continued his conversation with Jak.

I noticed a few creeps walk into the saloon: a guy with WAY too many tattoes, a big brute, and a young man smoking a cancer stick. I coughed as they entered; I was sensitive to smoke. They sat down and asked for some drinks.

"I love you, man!" I heard Daxter say, trying to kiss Jak.

"Got a bit of a gender confusion going there, Dax?" I asked, laughing slightly at the drunk. The two were about to leave when I noticed the know drunken men saying some rather... perverted and disturbingthings to Tess. Poor, poor Tess. I decided to help her out by getting rid of the retarts.

I jumped up on the bar stand thing, right in front of them. "Who the hell are you?" the one with the cancer stick said drunkenly.

"Oh, me?" I said, "I'm just a little annoying Ottsel that came to tell you this: I wound't recomend you three going home on a zoomer."

"And why's that?" the one with the tattoos snorted.

"Weeeeeelll..." I began, "Becauseone of threethings will happen. Number one: the cops will pull you over and and end up having to beat the shit of you, just becauseyou fuckers are in a druken rage and refuse to turn off Neil Dimond's "They're Coming to America". Number two: you'll wrap yourselves around a telephone pole and either be killed or paralyzed. Cruel, you say? Well, so is inflicting your drunken stupidity on the rest of the world, so be ready ot pay the consequences, assholes. Number three, my least favorite: you make it home okay and pass out on the floor with your motor running, while the radio is blasting some dumbass metal song from the mid-80's that no one wants to hear anymore. So if you're a druken moron or an idiot who has to manipulate legitiment conversations to get a cheap thrill out of your libido, please feel free to get together on the weekends, drive around drunk, make all the twitsted sexual comments ya like. And I'll just watch from the local diner window as they scrape your bodies off the pavement with a fucking spatula.

They stared at me with dumbfounded looks. This continued for a while until they decided to get up and leave. Krew looked a bit angry.

"Way to go," he snarled, "you just got rid of the first few customers I've had in months."

"That's your fault." I repleid

"How is it _my_ fault?_You _scared them off!"

"It's _your _fault this place is such a dump and nobody comes here anymore."

Krew looked about readyto blow, when an elf just appeared from no where next to me. I nearly had a heart attack. The person that had just appeared on the bar stool strangly rembled my sixth grade teacher. She looked like she was in mid-type on her laptop(which appeared with her) and was now looking around the saloon with her eyes wide and clouded with confusion.

"Okay..." she said her voise trembling, "What just happened... how are you people and... why do you have such big ears?" That voice definatly sounded like my teacher.

"Ms. Lennon!" I asked, staring at her. She whipped her head around to look at me.

"Caitlin?" she gasped. "Why... what... what's going on and why do you look like a... squirrel...?" This wasn't good. And what the hell was going on? WHY was my sixth grade teacher sitting next to me in the Hip Hog Saloon? All good questions, but unfortunaly, they weren't answering as something large sat upon my head, crushing me.

"Okay..." I said, my voice muffled by the person sitting on top of me, "whoever just decided to sit down, may I ask that you remove your buttocks from the bar stool so that my lungs can stop being crushed..."

"Oh, sorry," came the voice. Then the lifted themself up and I took a deep breath and peeled myself up from the stool. That voice sounded a bit familiar too. Thomas perhaps? Wait. it was weird enough when Ms. Lennon appeared next to me but fat boy Thomas? What was _he _doing here?

"AAHH!" came a scream.

"What the-?" I began but didn't get to finish. A rather large cat collided with me and I fell off the chair, the cat crushing me. Ms. Lennon had ducked down, for the cat had came flying out of her laptop. I was officially freaked out. WHAT WAS GOING ON!

"Where am I? Where am I!" the cat said frantically, scrambbling off of me and running around in cirlce until it collided with Krew. "HOLY SHIT!" it exclaimed when it saw the floating ball of fat. "YOU'RE FAT!" Krew glared at the poor confused cat._ Now, I definalty know that voice..._ I thought, getting up from the floor slowly, my back cracking. Once I had fully gotten up I said to the cat: "Stevie?" the cat whipped around and looked at me, eyes sparkling. "Caitlin! CAITLIN!" Stevie ran up to me, trapping me in a death grip hug. "Too much... hugging..." I choked, "Not... enough... breathing!" "Oh, sorry," she apoligized and let me go. I caught my breathe and looked at Stevie. I was about to ask her a question, but she had a few of her own she wanted to ask me.

"What's going on!" she asked frantically, shaking me by the shoulders. "Wherer am I! Why am I a cat and why are you a squirrel!" she began sobbing.

"Stevie, Stevie!" I tried to comfort her. "It's okay, it's okay. Everything's gonna be okay... and I'm NOT a squirrel, I'm and OTTSEL."

She nodded and I pat her on the head. "Good girl," I said as I pat her head. "Now, just remain calm while I-"

"LOOK OUT!" Jak yelled, as a girl about his age came flying out of Ms. Lennon's laptop and landing with a _thud _on the floor. "Ow... my neck..." she moaned getting up. She screamed but then covered her outh, looking around.

"And that would be Sam," I said, running over to my other friend.

"Sam, are you okay?" I asked her. She looked down at me.

"Caitlin?" she said, her voice shaking. "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!" she grabbe me and brought me up to eye level and began shaking me hard. "WHAT'S GOING ON!" she repeated. "Calm down!" I said, trying to stop her from shaking me. Sam dropped me and lookd over at Krew, Daxter, Tess, and Jak who were staring at us with confused expressions.

"Uh..." I began, "This ish mah friend, Sam." I pointed to the panicking girl. "That's Stevie, my other friend," I pointed to the cat. "Ms. Lennon, myold teacher,and Thomas."

Daxter's eye twitched.

A white and tan hamster came flying through the laptop. "And that's my OTHER friend, Emliy," I said. I only had guessed, but I was right nonetheless, because Emily LOVED hamsters... and wants them to rule the world... NO JOKE, I'M SERIOUS. She wants to live in a world ruled by hamsters.

"H-how do you know my name?" Emily stuttered.

"It's me," I said, "Caitlin, your best friend, remember?"

"CAITLIN!" she exclamied. Then she looked around. "What's going on?"

I was about to say something when five more people came flying out of the laptop.

I groaned and introduced everyone to everyone.

"Tess, Krew, Jak, Daxter..." I said, "That's Alison and Taylor, my other friends, that's Alexander, perfers to be called 'Alex', Kyle, and Angelo."

Everyone stared at me.

"I think I need to explain a few things..." I said nervously.

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**OKAY! That's all I'm doing for this chapter. My back hurts, I have a headached, I'm hungry... _(goes on for a few minutes) _I ask you peoples to review! I hope you liked this one a BIT better than the last two crappy chapters. I'm not gonna write anymore until a get mabey one or two more reviews. Flame if you want, see if I give a shit. This wasn't THAT funneh I know. Can't think up anything funneh to write...and it was weird, yes I know..._(bangs head against compy)_ Now, review or I shall sic mah rabid squirrel Chip on you! And if you do review I shall give you a cookie :)**

**-ebony**


	4. A Pair of Pants

**Ugh... I looked over teh last chapter and notcied a bunch of spelling errors... I shall fix them later... anyways, here's chapter four! enjoy:)**

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"... So, let me get this straight..." Ms. Lennon said after I had explained what was going on, "We're trapped in a video game... have been turned into elves with unusually large ears-"

"Some of us animals!" Stevie and Emily both said at the same time.

"Don't interupt when the teacher is speaking," Ms. Lennon hissed at the two, then continued, "... and we have no way we can get back?"

"What if we try to jump through you laptop, Ms. Lennon?" Taylor suggested, "after all, that's how we came to be here."

"I dun think that'll work," I said, "how're we supposed to fit through a laptop?"

"THAT'S HOW WE GOT HERE!" Alison yelled.

"Buuut..." I said, "the laptop wasn't _solid, _now it is." I poked the screen of the laptop, making a little tapping noise. "you guys got here when the laptop's screen _wasn't_ solid."

"So, what the fuck are we supposed to do?" Alex said, then saw Ms. Lennon glare at him, "Let me guess," he continued, "No cursing in school? Well, in case you haven't noticed, WE'RE NOT IN SCHOOL! IT'S A FREE COUNTRY, YOU KNOW!"

"Actually, no it's not," Alison corrected him, "in America, you would be right, but in Haven City, you're wrong." Alex ignored her.

I sighed, "look, let's just try to get along so we don't wind up ripping each other's throats out. Sound good?"

Nothing.

"SOUND GOOD?" I repeated. Then, everyone nodded.

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While everyone was getting to know one another, I noticed something missing. I counted the heads of everyone: Taylor, Sam, Stevie, Emily, Angelo, Alex, Kyle, Thomas... where was Alison. Then I realized something: she could've only gone to one place: the Ungerground hideout, probably to hug Torn to death. I sighed, then walked over to Jak and Daxter who were talking to Thomas.

"Are you _positive _you're not related to Krew?" Daxter asked poor Thomas.

"NO, I'm NOT! Now, leave me alone!" Thomas said, sounding like he was annoyed.

"Ahem," I coughed. Daxter looked down at me from Jak's shoulder, Jak folloing his friend's gaze. "We have a problem," I said.

Once I had gathered up Jak, Daxter, Sam, Stevie, and Emily, we all left the Hip Hog. "What's this all about?" Sam asked me, looking confused, "and where's Alison?"

I jumped onto her shoulder and whispered in her ear: "Remeber Alison's, um, "obssesion" with Torn?" "Yeah..." she said, "What's your point...? Oooooohh..." "Exactally," I said.

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Once we had gotten to the hideout, we saw poor Torn, sitting on top of a box holding a pistol to love-struck Alison, who was sitting crosslegged on the floor staring up at Torn. "Stay... away..." Torn said, his pistol shaking in his hands. We walked in and Torn shot his head in our direction, still keeping the gun to Alison's head. "Is _this _yours?" he hissed at us, but didn't wait for an answer, "All of a sudden, as I'm studying maps of Haven, _this _comes in and tried to glomp me. Scaring the shit out of me."

"Alison..." I said. Her eyes shifted from Torn to me.

"Yesh?" she asked.

"Come," I said, as if she was a dog. She frowned, got up, and walked over to us with her head down. "I said to _stay in the Hip Hog,_" I continued, "but do you? No. You come over here and give poor Torn a heart attack."

"How do you know my name?" Torn asked looking confused. He had gotten off the box and had put his pistol away.

"It's a long story," I replied. What else could I say?

Torn beckoned Jak and Daxter, probably to send them on another mission. "Sam, take Alison back to the Hip Hog," I said. "Okay," she replied, "C'mon Alison." They both walked out of the hideout. "What about us?" Stevie said, walking over to me, Emily following. "You... go do whatever you want," I said, then yawned. "What about you?" Emily squeaked. "Why don't we just all go back to the Hip Hog?" Stevie suggested. "Okay, I guess," me and Emily said at the same time.

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Back at the Hip Hog, Alex and Angelo had gotten drunk and were now manipulating conversations in something perverted.Ms. Lennon was on her laptop, Thomas was trying to convince Tess thathe wasn't related to Krew in anyway, Kyle was talking to Krew- unwillingly- and me and my friends were chatting. We had noticed that there were quite a few people in the Hip Hog- besides everyone that had come flying through that damn laptop of Ms. Lennon's. Alex and Angelo decided to come over, and turn our simple conversation into something perverted and wrong. My eye twitched; these boys were sick, but, to my surprise, Sam was laughing at their perverted joke. So like Sam. I was getting annoyed at these retarts, as were the others- besides Sam, laughing her little head off- so, I decided to do what I do best to get rid of them: rant.

Alex and Angelo were snorting with laughter, drunken laughter. I jumped off of my chair and onto the table in front of the two morons. They stopped laughing and looked at me. "Can I help you with summin'?" Alex hiccuped. "I think you've had your fun you little perverts," I hissed, "Now, leave."

"Or what?" Angelo snorted, "You'll kill us with your nuts?" They both laughed. Shitheads. I began my rant: "You see, people like you need to be killed. I'm sick and tired of people warping simple conversations into something perveted. It's unnecessary, it's stupid, and it just shows that you're thinkin' with your sexual organ rather than your brain. In this being the case, someone should glue your mouth to your butt, so that they may illustrate the fact that truly, indeed, suck ass. I'm sick and tired of some inconherent asshole who smells like a case of malt liquor all of a sudden talking about the philosophy of life while trying to pick upsome woman at a bar. Nice. And what's worse is those freakin' dolts who go around and actually tell you how fucked up they got the night before; like they deserved some type of award for falling face first into a patch of tomatoes in your backyard at four AM in the morning."

They both stared at me dumbfounded for a secdon before Alex said drunkenly: "Afore I _(hiccup) _came 'ere, Ifucked wit' yo momma!" then they both laughed for about five mintues. Five mintued of drunken laughter. Nice. And once they had stopped, I looked that dumbass Alex straight in the eye and said:

"Well, that's too bad, while you were wasting your time trying to get laid by old ladies, I carved our your mother's eye sockest with a razor blade and then sold her blind ass to the Japanese mafia and they're been shoving flesh eating carrion ants into her ass and videotaped it for internet broadcasting." Now that, was and insult, my friends. And if that didn't work I could always say that 'I carves you name on the inside of her unterus with a butter knife while she was having oral sex with the family dog.' Buuuuuut... I didn't want to go _that _far... and besides, I didn't have to 'cause they left shortly after that.

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"What do you mean you wanna go look for a new pair of pants?" I said. Sam had told me that she wanted to go out to look for a pair of pants. "What's wrong with the ones you're wearing?"

She sighed. "I want a pair of pants that I can wear to bed! Not these uncomfortable pants; which give me a hernia everytime I try to sleep in them."

"That's freakin' impossible, you retart! Ya can't get a hernia from too tigh of pants. And besides, why do I have to go? Can't you go shopping from your own pair of PJ pants?"

She gave me the lower lip. "Damn it!" I said, "That _always _works on me! Ugh, fine. I'll come."

"Damn it!" Sam cursed, "why can't I find a pair of pants without some sexy logo on the ass of it? And something not cut so low that people can see my ass cleavage?"

"Ewww..." my eye twitched, "You humans have this overwhelming fascination with the ugliest parts of the human body."

"Hey," she said, "you were once a human too."

"Yeah, but did you ever hear me say: 'Hey, that guy has a sexy ass.'?"

"...No."

"Exactly my point. Hey, what about this one?" I held up a pair of purple pants that said: 'Cockmaster' on the butt of it.

"Cockmaster? I think I'll pass."

"Why? What's wrong with advertising that you are in control of a large farm bird?"

"Er... that's not what it means..."

"Ooooh it's one of those dual meanings, I get it! Oh, wait, what about this then?" I held up one that said 'Big Pussy' on it. "It shows your appreciation for GIANT CATS!"

"Big Pussy?"

Wait, don't tell me... dual meaning!"

"Oh yeah..."

"Oh, oh, wait! What about this one?" I held up one that said "Show Me Dick' on it. "This one displays that you want to see a guy named 'Richard' RICHARD!"

"Okay, we're leaving."

I began singing: "Where are you Richard? We cannot find you now. I want to talk to Richard. Whooo Richard!"

* * *

"So, any luck with the quest of finding pants?" Stevie asked us once we had gotten back.

"No," I said, "Sam couldn't find anything without a perverted and/or sexy logo on the ass of it." Sam's eye twitched. "I'm never going out pants shopping with you again," she said to me. "Hey," I said, "it's your fault for taking me out to go pants shopping with you." She glared at me.

"Well, it is."

* * *

**aaaaand... that's all I shall write for this chapter... fell asleep and two in the morning last night... and I have a sleepvoer partay to go to... -- oi... anyways, review please:)**

**-ebony**


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